Confused
by FlickerInTheDark
Summary: Cosette begins to think about the mother she never really had. All of those thoughts so confusing. NO HATE Cosette. ONESHOT.


A/N: Sorry I haven't posted anything for a while. I am enjoying the wonders of my first year in university! I am an adoptee and when I was a kid I felt the same emotions I am sure Cosette felt at some time. This is largely based on what I went through. Enjoy!

Cosette and Valjean were out on their usual after Mass walk. Cosette was babbling about how she liked this week's sermon when she went silent. Cosette noticed a mother and daughter walking out of a dress shop. The little girl about her age, 8, and skipped around her mother. The mother was quite lovely and ushered the little girl down the street.

"Cosette?" Valjean said noticing her silence.

"Yes, papa?" Cosette pulling her eyes away from the two.

"Is everything quite alright? You went quiet," he said gripping her hand as they crossed the street to the small public garden. It was summer and everything was in bloom. Cosette was usually so excited to visit the garden, but now her feet seemed to drag.

Cosette was thinking about what it would be like to have a mother like that girl. She wondered if her mother looked that beautiful.

"I'm alright. Thank you," she said not looking him in the eye. She felt guilty. Here she was wishing she had a mother when she had a lovely father. How could she be so selfish? Her father provided her with everything that other little girl had and probably more. Nice dresses, food on the table, treats and toys. Cosette thought she must be terrible for even thinking her father wasn't enough.

Valjean noticed how Cosette wasn't really listening or looking at the garden. She was very silent and listless.

When they arrived home Valjean said, "I think you should lay down for a bit."

"Perhaps," Cosette said heading to her room.

Cosette was glad to be alone. Normally she wanted to spend every second with her father but now she needed a moment to sort her thoughts.

In her room, she hung her bonnet up and changed from her nice Sunday dress to an ordinary housedress. When she was done she knelt down by her bed to pray. She didn't have anyone to talk to, so she decided God would listen and help her.

 _Dear Lord,_

 _I am a wicked child. Today I thought something I shouldn't. I thought about having a mama. Lord, I wish I had a mother. I hope I do not sound ungrateful Lord. It's just I wish I had a mama like I probably used to. Papa is the kindest papa in the world and I wouldn't change it for the world but it seems as though something is missing from my life that I can't seem to fully grasp…_

Then she heard a knock at the door. She then noticed she had been crying and quickly brushed the tears away.

"Yes?" she said trying to sound casual.

"Cosette, I think we need to talk," he called.

"Of course Papa," I said and he entered.

She rose from her position and when he motioned for her to sit next to him on her bed she did.

"Cosette, I did not mean to eavesdrop, so first forgive me. But what has my angel worked up?" he said looking her in the eyes.

"I don't know. I'm just confused and being foolish," Cosette said not wanting to look him in the eye. She hoped this answer would satisfy him but she knew he wouldn't when he then said, "Cosette you know you can tell me anything and I won't be angry."

"Papa please don't think I am ungrateful or spoiled but I saw something today I," she sighed and continued, " I saw a girl and her mama."

"Oh. I believe I saw them as well. The lady with the blue dress?"

"Yes. I just started thinking about having a mama."

She paused wanting to gauge his reaction. He seemed relieved it wasn't anything life-threatening.

"I just feel so confused. On one hand, I wish I had a mama and other times I just get so angry," Cosette said balling her fist up.

"I see." Valjean understood where the child was coming from. It was just Cosette and him, he often thought of getting married simply so Cosette could have a mother. But he banished the thought. It was enough to move Cosette around from place to place but another to move a proper lady of society around. It would be improper, to say the least.

"I feel angry sometimes. I get angry because I think that she left me," Cosette continued.

Her mother Fantine had taken Cosette to an inn. She had, needed to leave Cosette there so she could work. Fantine had no way of knowing her child was suffering, if she had, Valjean was sure Fantine would have given up the world to fetch her daughter back.

"I hate her."

"Cosette!" Valjean said in shock. Never had he heard her say something with such conviction.

"I do! That mama wouldn't leave her! Why didn't mine love me?" Cosette said emphatically.

Valjean's anger flared. He had to leave before he said something he would regret.

"Cosette, I need to go make supper," he said looking for an excuse.

He left and went to his room. As a younger man, his anger would get the best of him. He had learned before he was about to say something brash, he should think about it. Usually, with time, he decided those words were not necessary. This was just such an occasion.

He sat on his bed and wrung his fingers _. How could she say something like that? Her mother loved her and I've told her many times that. How could Cosette forget this?_

But then a thought hit him. He had hated God for "abandoning" him. But in time he found God had only set him on the path that He thought was best. How foolish to think that Cosette wouldn't experience the same feelings. In her eyes why shouldn't she think her mother didn't love her? Those wicked people most likely told her she was unloved. 6 month of being told that one is loved does not make up for years of lies.

Cosette was only 8 and at that age feelings are pure. Cosette was only being honest and he shouldn't have tried to force her to think like him. He could only teach her love and he knew she would understand someday.

"Papa?"

He looked up and saw Cosette in the doorway.

"Oh my child come here," he said and when she came close, he placed her on his lap after she slowly walked to him.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to anger you. Honest!" she said crying into his jacket.

"Shhh. I am the one to apologize. I was brash. Papa isn't angry at you, love," he said stroking her hair.

"I said I hated her. I didn't mean to say something so awful," she sobbed, "But sometimes I just feel things like that and it seems I cannot stop!"

"Cosette I know you don't hate her, you just got caught up your thoughts, I can understand why you feel this way. Me, simply telling you, that she loved you, doesn't erase the hurt. I am glad you were honest about your feelings."

Cosette only nodded.

"Darling I do not know what those people said to you but your mother cared then and she cares about you even now. I'm just glad you are thinking of such things. That means you care," he said.

"But I shouldn't' feel that way."

"You should for a little bit. If that is how you feel. It was something that shouldn't have happened. It was only 6 months ago I came for you. I don't expect you to immediately let go of those feelings."

"But what child feels these feelings about their own mama?"

"To thine own self be true. I can see why you might feel betrayed, hurt or unloved by her. You were very little when your mother gave you up and probably do not remember her very well. I can see how you or anyone would want to blame the person who caused such hurt," Valjean said.

"You promise she loved me?" Cosette sniffled.

"Yes. This is a promise I swear upon all things good and holy. Your mother believed you were the most precious thing in the world. She loved you more than life itself. She probably loves you more than me and I love you so so much."

Cosette smiled then. "You're not angry with me?"

"No Cosette never. I was just shocked. I forgot I once felt the same way."

"The same way?"

"I'll tell you someday."

"Papa, sometimes I just wish I knew her," Cosette said.

"I do too."


End file.
